hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
be right there i have to get my cape
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
