Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
