that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You have to summon your inner elephant
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
