She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
