I accidentally had phone sex last night
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
