I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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