Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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