please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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