A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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