That's intense
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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