Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
