I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
