I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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