I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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