My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
