My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
