Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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