dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
is that a dick in a sweater?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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