the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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