My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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