Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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