'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
