Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
