Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize