hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize