Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
