naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
