i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
