One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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