i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
