Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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