Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
