so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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