how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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