Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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