Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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