I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
