Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
