Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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