I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
