covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
