I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we're making bets on your personal life
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
