I CAN MOONWALK!
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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