Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Panties = found
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize