my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
