Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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