I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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