I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
