he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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