Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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