Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize