I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
