I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize