I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
