the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
