I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
