I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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