Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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