They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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