You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
