you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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