You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
