I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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