I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I lost the right to judge tonight
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
