The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
